Golisch Betrayal

From: Doctor Isaac Arthur, Lightbringer, Leng’s End, Beloved by the people, Arkhom’s Pride, Ruler of the Sky, Man of Tomorrow, the Liberator, Grand Chairman and “God” of all Dunwik.
To: Alchred II, Pretender To Many Thrones, Puyé Motherfucker, Biggest Moron on the Ostrean Continent.
 
For the purposes of establishing my ire I will explain the events that transpired to lead you to this point and encourage you, son, to understand what exactly what got you halfway into an alligator's asshole. The Laurian state, freshly birthed from lands held by the Tholes and you, had been concerned about numerous invasions and consequently reached out for international aid. As part of this, the Golisch had decided to publicly affirm the independence of Lauria sometime around the 9th of January. 

Your state had contributed ships to the blockade of Lauria and were furthermore assisting the Tholes in their desire to annex Lauria (via the subtle mechanism of empowering a faction in the Laurian government that wants a union with Cransconia). You had joined the Tholes despite being warned, well in advance, that such an action would be far less useful to you than joining the Coalition against them. I do not understand what you were promised to do this, but I hope you understand it was almost certainly a lie. Thus, it is obvious that you were at odds with your alleged vassal in Golan. Then, without warning or discussion with the Golisch state, you marched an army into their lands. 

Regardless of your intent, whether you sought to subjugate Golan for their impudence, or if you sought to use their territory as a launching point to invade Lauria, you had placed the Golisch in a situation where they needed to choose between their word, safety, and morality, or to affirm their nominal overlord. They chose rightly.

Do not cry to me about the deaths of your nobles. In 1913 a parrot named Halogen was killed, and the death of that animal was a bigger loss for the world than the eradication of your entire people would be. But I understand that honor is important to Ostreans, and so I will demonstrate your people the grace and dignity they have shown to others. If I can, I shall make my way over to the Third Army's mass grave to piss and shit all over the site. Such funerary rites, I am told, are far more honorable than your kind deserve. Until I saw this sniveling, duplicitous missive, I thought the Lengans were the most despicable people in the world. Now, I am unsure, and consulting with the finest taxonomists to determine if you are worthy of the label human, and with it, the dubious honor of being the worst people.


Do not speak to me of mutual defense. I would sooner shoot myself than entrust the safety of my people and nation to you. Do not speak to me of morality. You call a tiny state of nervous scholars a menace to the world, because you couldn't smear their blood all over your boots. Let this document be a record that we affirm the independence of Golan from you, and confirm the Golisch right to expel invaders and traitors from their lands. 

I hope your next missive is your unconditional surrender to the Golisch people.